You are nobody…

3Wait. What?

Love is a wonderful thing and it’s powerful. It has sent people into wars and meltdowns, periods of ecstasy and unmatched bliss. Relationships are great and they can bring you a lot of joy and magical moments. But if I have it, do you have to have it, too? Nope.

These days it seems that we chase after happiness like crazy. And we set some values for ourselves that will supposedly bring us the state of utter satisfaction in our lives. If you don’t have this, you can’t be happy. If you aren’t this or that, you are doomed to being unhappy. We need to have money, a happy relationship, a car, an iPhone, children, beauty and be in shape to be happy. Do we? No. I need my loved ones and I to be healthy, safe and have the stability and freedom to follow our desires.

As a 28-year-old woman, I get asked quite often “How come you aren’t married?” or “Why don’t you have children yet? What are you waiting for?”. It sometimes seems as though my accomplishments and I as a person don’t really matter unless I have those two things, a husband and a child – no, at least 2 because that is the average. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to those things and it is something I want for myself. But me being a wife and a mother does not and will not define me. I am so much more than that. My value as a woman and as a person isn’t higher or lower because I am still unmarried and childless. I refuse to be defined by someone else. I am defined by me, myself and I. And I don’t need you to save me. There is nothing wrong with me.

These thoughts have been reoccurring in my life and in the lives of people around me. So you can imagine I couldn’t hide them when writing my novel. Romance novels so often portray women (less frequently men) that dedicate their lives towards finding their Mr Right – someone who will make everything better and complete. And I created two people whose priority isn’t to find love. They don’t care about (or even fight against) being in a relationship. Their lives are complete because they alone complete them.

We get so fixed on love that we actually believe we can’t be happy without it. We are so focused on finding our perfect match that we would rather be in a shitty relationship that alone. This isn’t a scary word. It doesn’t bite. See? ALONE. We’re still alive.

The point is this: don’t dedicate your life and change your personal goals to find something other people might want. If you don’t care about having a significant other, that’s fine. You can have other priorities and I wish you the best of luck with that. If you want to be in a relationship, great. I really hope you get it. And if it’s worth it and good, don’t let it go.

Checking off a goal and a priority others have set, will not make you happy. At least not in the long run. It will make you resentful and miserable. You must decide what it is that you want – what will make you happy – and then try to get it.

Be honest with yourself. Go after what you want without hurting others. Don’t let people impose anything on you. And don’t force anything on others as well. That is the recipe for happiness. And not if you are in a relationship and have children.

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