I open up and say what is on my mind. Fighting hard not to pull back in and keep it all inside my mind and heart. I push against the high wall that arises as soon as I feel like I need to defend myself, like I’m too exposed. The very thing you claim annoys you most. But when I do that, when I give you what you want, you don’t give me what I need. I need you to listen. I need you to reach out and give me the same thing you want from me. I need you to meet me halfway. You have to be my partner or I will close off completely. I have to feel welcome and accepted. Heard. I give it all unconditionally and being burnt hurts. And I’ve been burnt. I’ve been hurt. Don’t be the one that adds to it. Be the person that gives and takes. Be the person that listens and speaks. Be here. Be present. Be a participant.
Holly crap, we are nine days into the new year and I’ve been asking myself just where did 2018 run off to?? Sprint off to is more like it. Is it just me or does every year go by faster? It’s absolutely maddening.
I’m not one to compose resolutions and bore you with them (I’d rather bore you with this) because I do believe that when we make plans God has a big belly laugh. Of course I do know what I want to focus on and improve with myself and with my life but I do that at the start, during and at the end of the year.
Last year I wanted to work on only having people in my life that add to it and I feel I accomplished that. I had to put the notion into practice right at the end of the year which solidified that some people make it to the end of a chapter and some to the end of the book. It simply isn’t worth losing your time, patience and energy on people that don’t deserve any of it. I think we all know who we should cut from our lives, actually deciding to do it and sticking to it is the challenging part.
And that is the segue into what I want to work on this year. I want to work on myself further. I want to have only the traits that add to me and my life, not make life more difficult for me. Something my sister said during the holidays resonated with me; I can’t forget it, it keeps echoing inside me on repeat. She told me that I’m a pit bull when it comes to fighting for others and when I have to fight for me, especially when it’s against people I care about, I become a poodle. Not always, but the moments when I do suddenly start feeling vulnerable all of a sudden, make me feel so small and I absolutely hate it.
So this year I want to get better at letting myself want what I want and demand it. We all have the right to do so. I have observed people that walk all over others, punch through concrete walls to get what they want and I think that is selfish and obnoxious. I would never want to be that kind of a person and I think that is why I sometimes pull myself back, feeling like I can’t be vocal about my wishes.
And today I want to start working on that. Because it annoys the shit out of me. I am someone who is 100-percent honest about who I am, I never compromise that. But I have to be the same with demanding what I want; I can’t keep compromising myself for the sake of others. I have to find a nice balance between allowing myself to want what I want and to get it, respecting other people but not having them be more significant than me. I have the prorogative to be the first, the loudest and I don’t have to justify it to anyone. And it’s the same with you.
Do you make any New Year’s resolutions? Or have any other plans for 2019?
Oh. My. Gosh. I was scared to even check the date of my last post. It was on 27th November. But with everything going on, working overtime at work because we were leaving and getting everything ready for the move to India, I made a conscious decision not to add the pressure of posting. My books, blog and social media had to take a backseat.
And now here I am. I am so surprised and grateful that while I was gone I’ve reached more than 400 followers. Thank you!
Anyway, from now on, I will spend more time on my blog posting and reading what you write. I’m so excited to put all my focus, apart from our marriage and creating a feeling of comfort and routine in a completely different environment, on my books. I’ve always wanted and made promises to myself that I would give it a go, putting it all in my aspiration of having a writing career, but obligations and my job always got in the way. So now it’s time to get down to business. If it doesn’t work out, at least I’ll know I’ve tried.
I haven’t been editing at all so that will be the first thing that I need to focus on. I have to get my second book ready for publishing and then release it after re-releasing my first one with a completely different image. There is a lot that needs to be done and as scared and anxious as I am to do it, I am also super excited.
What have you been up to? I’m currently reading C. Hoover’s Maybe Now and then I’m going to finally read The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo. Did you read any exciting books during the holidays?
I haven’t worked on my second novel in a while and I just wanted to feel connected to the story because I really miss writing and editing it, so I wrote something short about two characters that appear in it – Rob and Mel. I have an idea of where I want to take their story in a future book and this really made me want to do it. And it might just make you want to read it. 😉
Hearing his name, makes my blood boil, my heart trying to jump out of my chest. I can feel pricks all over my skin; it feels as though I’m actually vibrating. I can’t take it; the name opens a dam of pain and desperation that no one and nothing could ever heal. I’d rather walk on knives and swallow glass than feel like this. I feel every cell being torn apart and all I can do is endure as his name echoes inside me, ravaging me.
I’m starting to get more mad at myself than him because I can’t shake him. I let this happen. I let him crawl under my skin like the snake that he is and now…voila! I feel broken and empty of anything but this anger at him and frustration at myself. I’m intelligent and educated, have a bright career and future in front of me and yet the asshole makes me forget about everything else but the need to use my skilled surgeon hands on his neck.
I swallow hard, heat rising up my throat, feeling like I might actually throw up. My eyes display how much sleep I actually got last night and how many tissues I might have used. My teeth grinding against each other and my shaking hands betray to anyone with a millisecond how filled with rage I am. It’s overpowering. I should but can’t force myself to be calmer.
It didn’t mean anything.
Don’t you just love hearing those words? Knowing there is an idiot out there that thinks those words justify his action? That it makes it all go away?
But he was right. It didn’t mean anything. Because we weren’t anything. Nothing. At least not to him.
And soon not to me either.
You know what I’ll always love the most about what we have? Our bubble.
The bubble that gets created as soon as we’re together. That bubble no one can penetrate and that makes it seem like no one else can even reach it – people are there but they don’t participate in our world. It’s the moment when there are people around us but as if they don’t exist, we gravitate towards each other, our hands or at least our eyes never leaving the other one. It’s those minutes when we write our own plot during the story of where we are and who with. It’s the intimate circle of just the two of us when we get lost in laughter, when all we want to do is talk to each other although we’ve spent the entire day together, when we wish to get away as fast as possible just because we don’t need anyone else but each other. It’s the bubble created with our heads drawn together, the moment no one can break and no one dares to try.
The bubble shows how much love, respect, sacrifice and time we’ve put into the relationship and it’s like a halo around us displaying what we mean to each other and what we have. I would never trade it for anything. It means the world and it is our world.
In a hurry she collected her things, rushing to get out the doors and careful not to wake him up. His handsome face was so tranquil, like he was having the nicest dream, and she wanted nothing more but to be able to stare at him and enjoy his peacefulness. Her heart played the most beautiful symphony considering it, basking in the idea.
She lingered in the doorway of their bedroom, her lips itching to touch his. Wanting to run her fingers through his hair. She knew every single inch of this man, physically and mentally. And loved it all.
One look at her watch and she had to push the thoughts aside. Business waited for no one and she’d see him tonight. She’d kiss him then. Touch him after a long day.
After a few steps, she stopped abruptly. Will he be here?
The idea of not having him here, of not having him at all, sent chills down her spine. Nausea built in her stomach as dark thoughts harassed her.
What if something happened? And one of them didn’t come back?
Not having that last kiss would haunt her anywhere she went. What if this morning’s kiss would actually be the last?
Her lips tingled with the need for his. Her chest tight and heartbeat fast, she dropped her things, turned around and returned to the bedroom.
She bent over her sleeping husband and kissed him gently, promising him eternal love. Wherever she was. Breathing him in. Taking the memory of this moment with her for the day.
She felt at ease now. Everyone and everything can wait but not him. And not them.
Have you ever felt you were shaking inside, as if your organs were thrashing against your skin, and you were simply waiting to explode, the frustration bubbling under the surface? I imagine what being boiled from inside out would feel and that is my current emotional state. Boiling. The perfect word to describe how I’ve been feeling lately.
Having a lot on my plate is absolutely nothing new, however, what sends me over the edge is chosen stupidity. When people do something for the sake of doing it, not giving it any thought. When they only care about the case, making it shiny, and don’t care about the essence, leaving it rotten. I will never be okay with that. I refuse to even allow myself to ponder it. I hate doing something for the sake of doing it. It makes me feel like I’m a walking dead. I don’t mean you need to overthink every single thing (although I am often guilty of it) but you do need to consider it and not follow someone else’s idea that could potentially harm you. What is the point? What’s the point in having an immaculate surface when there is rubbish inside? The gold cellophane does not disguise the shit for long.
It’s the same with giving someone the answer they’re expecting and having that be considered polite. You put some personal expectations on me and I’m simply supposed to act accordingly? Will. Not. Happen. I’m supposed to nod because it’s not polite to shake my head? Will. Not. Happen. To bullshit you just because that is what you’re used to and because the truth is too hard to hear? Will. Not. Happen. Sorry not sorry but if you ask for my opinion that is what you will get. I strongly dislike the notion that being direct is considered rude and beating around the bush when the situation demands honesty is supposedly nice. In what parallel universe? I don’t care for niceness if it’s fake. There are so many things people do simply because they are bothered with what is expected of them. Or because the person they’re interacting with is a bulldozer who doesn’t care about who’s on the other side as long as they get what they want.
It’s necessary to think about what you say and do so as not to hurt anyone but when the message and essence are at stake it’s not worth it. Otherwise we and everything around us will be diminished to shells meaning nothing. I will not support that.
So let’s not be zombies to keep the peace. It helps no one. Let’s be genuine, deep and not let our intellect wither away. Don’t let someone else do the thinking and deciding for you.
Just had to get it out of me. But I’ll be back on Friday with a story. I already have one in mind. 🙂